” Well, a fake Jamaican took every last dime with a scam
It was worth it just to learn some sleight-of-hand”

-Modest Mouse

I’m amazed at how many people I’ve known over the years who got ripped off in some pyramid scheme or another. Being frank, they invariably were being willfully stupid about it, at least then and there. I or someone else would try to explain that this was, you know, a pyramid scheme, and they’d say something like ‘No, dude, it’s guaranteed money over time if I get in on the ground floor, but I have to bring other people into it to keep the money moving’. One of my uncles, at one point, admitted that what he was about to buy into was a pyramid scheme, but insisted that it was a good one because he was going to be near the top from the get go and would make money quickly.

The Secret (yes, that one) strikes me as much the same thing, even if it lacks a couple of the usual identifying characteristics. You do have to buy certain things to get into it, though it’s a fairly short list, and while you’re supposed to spread the word to other people, it’s a pretty loose knit thing, more like TM or something than a cult or corporation. On the surface, The Secret looks like another new age self help bit, and that’s pretty much precisely what it is, albeit with savvier, updated marketing.

The basic premise is that if you wish hard enough for something, you’ll get it. I try to avoid being glib when describing the spiritual beliefs of others, but as with Scientology, there’s really just no way to make this sound anything but silly. It’s like the McDonald’s of spirituality, “ask and you shall receive” with none of the pesky “desire is the root of suffering”, “this life is but a sport and a pastime”, or “take up your cross and follow me” type baggage.

Talking to true believers in The Secret (and I’ve met plenty, I live in Northern Arizona), huge logical errors become apparent very quickly. What if you and someone else are using the “law of attraction” (the premise this is built upon) for mutually exclusive purposes? Can you use the law of attraction to bring yourself an abstract ideal, like happiness or “enlightenment”? By saying that everyone brings about their own life conditions through use of this rule, are you saying that if everyone in famine-stricken regions of Africa just started wishing for food hard enough, they’d be fed? Why did these people bother writing this and marketing? Can’t they get so obscenely rich using their secret that they wouldn’t need the money? Or, if money’s not the motive, couldn’t they have used this godlike level of power to make the secret available to everyone for free? You get the idea.

The bothersome part to me is that there’s the barest kernel of truth to the concept; you can, and will, influence what is in your life based somewhat on your orientation towards life. This makes the whole thing seem plausible, even though it has such basic logical and philosophical problems that it makes Evangelical Christianity look plausible in comparison.

My problem with The Secret though, more than anything, is that everyone I know who has gotten really into it is a confused, miserable bastard, I mean moreso than the rest of us. They simultaneously have to sing the Journey “don’t stop believing” refrain while wondering why wishing for shit ain’t doin’ the job for them. One day, I was talking with a guy I know, an older dude who teaches classes at the community college because he’s broke after horribly mismanaging his money in his younger years. He pointed to a flyer for a screening of The Secret, and asked if I was attending. Nah, I responded, it sounds like bullshit to me. He got visibly angry and said well, it’s not. I just shrugged. He smiled and said, trust me, I’ve been following the law of attraction for years. The next week or so, he saw a woman he was into, a dance instructor who has always been nice to him but never shown interest, with another man. He started going around telling people he was about ready to blow his brains out. Now, I’m sure there are people from all kinds of “spiritual” paths who might behave this way, but it seems like pretty much ALL the Secret people are in that boat to some degree.

None of this even touches the deeper root which is that even if this worked, it wouldn’t really make anything any better. If I gave the average miserable, confused bastard a million dollars and a hot boyfriend/girlfriend, and the power to crush his enemies…Well, all we’d have is a miserable, confused bastard with a million dollars, a hot SO, and the power to crush their enemies. If you’re a meth addict into the secret, presumably you can just wish for more meth. While I’m sure most of us wouldn’t mind having more money, or whatever, I don’t think that’s the root of our discontent and our problems. I’m not exactly sure what IS, but I’m pretty sure it’s not that. I can’t think of a more confused and potentially personally harmful philosophy than one that tells you that you should endlessly desire stuff, and then wish for it instead of working to bring it to yourself. That way madness lies, quite literally I think.

Don’t be a chump, avoid The Secret. If you want to join a club that feeds your basest instincts and makes you spout nonsense, there are plenty that at least look cooler.

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